The Merciless Ravages of My Mind

The Merciless Ravages of My Mind

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Hurray! I am now another year older. Techinally, at 11:59 tonight I will turn 18, but it is my birthday. It's dreary outside today and thats depressing. I came back from class to a little surprise. Sarah, I love you! She put up a little sign and decorations on my door. Back in middle school we use to decorate the fronts of each others lockers for birthdays. Thank you so much!

Posted by Alyssa :: 10:31 AM :: 3 comments

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Monday, September 26, 2005

Blogging is restricting for me. In my paper/pen journal I can be relatively sure that no one will read it. But also no one can be affected by what I write. Whereas with a blog, anyone can read what I put down. Therefore, I am selective about what I write and whom I write about. But for once, I don't care who reads this and I don't care what they say or how they feel about it, I am going to write what I think and need to record before I explode. Those affected can hate me or rage at me, but I can take it if any relief comes. (omg. I sound like a drama queen)

There comes a point in every life that one looks at one's accomplishments and losses. I tend to review my life about once a week, if not more often. For this week, I've been a complete failure (yes, Nathaniel, this is going to be one of my depressing posts). I feel that the ground I once thought was so firm is now shifting. For starters, a lot of new things happened this week. I'll spare the reader the details. Things have taken unexpected turns and people have done unexpected things. I feel myself rapidly losing the people who are close to me and I can't keep them from changing. "Days keep coming without fail.." as my new favorite song goes. And with them comes change. I don't like change. I like being safe and secure in the things I know. I try new things once in a while but I prefer my old habits. For example, I have the same cereal every morning without fail. There are about fifteen other choices, some of them are old favorites, but I like routine and stick to my cereal.

That was a tangent....

But it's dawning on me that I can't keep people the way I like them. I am not a puppetteer. Pretty soon Jessica will leave me, and though she assures me she won't lose touch, I know from experience that people drift away. She'll get caught up in a new country, language, and people and eventually her old life and her old friends will fade. It's happened to me so many times. First with Kendra, then Molly, then Sarah, then Ben.

I don't know what caused this, I think it might be my fault, but my closest friend has found another group of friends to hang out with. This wouldn't bother me so much because I have another circle that I occassionally move in too. The problem is that they are all she talks about anymore. If I start a conversation she'll somehow turn it into a comparison or a story about the Whitier Clan. I don't even know what this WC thing is. It scares me a lot though. She tells me that they drink and watch bad movies and they are way too comfortable around or on her person. I guess I feel like I'm not good enough for her anymore and that she is looking elsewhere for friendship.
This is taking a lot of courage because I know who reads this and I don't want to hurt anyone. But Truth begs me to tell. Like in the "Telltale Heart" by Edgar Allan Poe, the Truth will drive me mad if I don't do something. Therefore, in writing I find my solace....
There is a certain person that did a certain unexpected thing at an unexpected time. Because of the unexpectedness I was caught off guard and put under a lot of pressure in a short amount of time. I responded in a way that I now regret. For my part, things have become uncomfortable around this person. Where things once were fun and enjoyable, things are now stiff and, well, uncomfortable. To make a long story short, I don't know what to do. This isn't going to work and I feel terrible cause I can't make things better. To tell the absolute truth, I am now frightened by this person and how they will react if they ever read this. Suddenly, everything I knew about this person changed and now my perspective is skewed.
For a while now I've felt like crying, and right about now I can feel the tears coming on. So if you made it this far through my ravings, you'll have to excuse me. I have a long night before me. Good night.

Posted by Alyssa :: 12:48 AM :: 6 comments

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Saturday, September 24, 2005

Posted by Alyssa :: 11:35 PM :: 1 comments

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Posted by Alyssa :: 9:37 PM :: 2 comments

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I have a new love....Country music!!!! I've actually been listening to it for quite a while now, but it just keeps getting better. As of this moment, I am listening to "Please Remember Me," a song by Tim McGraw. I believe he dedicated it to the Trade towers. It's a good song.

You'll find better love
Strong as it ever was
Deep as the river runs
Warm as the morning sun
Please remember me.

Thats the chorus. It isn't the best part of the song, but its the part that always catches itself in my mind.

When all our tears have reached the sea
Part of you will live in me
Way down deep inside my heart
The days keep coming without fail
A new wind is gonna find your sail
That's where your journey starts

That's the first verse. And now I swing from a sentimental mood to a wild dancy mood with Aerosmith's "Dude Looks Like A Lady." Haha! Now here is a toe-tapper. Dooddooddoododoododoooooo.........(can you see me dancing?)

Posted by Alyssa :: 8:49 PM :: 1 comments

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Friday, September 23, 2005

"In this moment, you think of love as a commitment. Love only works when both people are totally committed."

I found this quote on a blog thing that told me the keys to my heart. Some of the most romantic fairy tales are about unrequited love. But in reality, that is a most uncomfortable place for both people to be in. On the one hand, one person is pouring everything they have into a relationship that does not and probably will not work. Until that person comes to terms with how things really stand between them they are making life hard for both parties.
On the other hand, the party on the receiving end is made uncomfortable by the unwanted attention. Depending on this person's personality, several things could happen. For one, this person could state their desire to be left alone in a polite way. Or they could simply ignore the other party. There is possibility that a cruel person would just feed off of the attention without any intention of return.
For any relationship to work there has to be a committment. Even in a hate/hate relationship the parties must be devoted to hating the other. In love, there has to be something to solidify the relationship. Usually, it's devotion or a bond. Without said things, the partnership would deteriorate. People would get hurt.

I was just feeling a bit reflective.
It happens when I spend a whole afternoon and much of the night watching movies. Today's list consisted of Moulin Rouge, Some Like it Hot, and a couple of dramatic tv shows.

Posted by Alyssa :: 10:02 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, September 21, 2005

I have had a request from a friend for more pictures. This same friend also told me that my blogs were depressing. So here are some

non-depressing pict

ures:
So we have some funny junior

highers, jessica at the sunken gardens looking, um, sexy, a stack of boys, me on a step team (im the one with the kings sweatshirt), and roses from my coach cause he loves me and appreciated me playing on his team. So enjoy my happy times!

Posted by Alyssa :: 3:46 PM :: 3 comments

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I've been analyzing characters in my stories/papers for English. I have to do myself cause its a first person story. I know what I look like and all the facts of course, but I need a striking characteristic. Something about me that I do often or strangely. I can't think of anything that makes me particularily different from my sister or cousin. Plus to make this all harder, it has to be something I did when I was five. LIKE I REMEMBER THAT FAR BACK! Why do I make things so hard for myself?

Posted by Alyssa :: 2:44 PM :: 0 comments

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Monday, September 19, 2005

Yay! I quit my job the other day. In less than two weeks I will be a free woman! I will no longer be a slave to the dishes! When this actually happens, I will have time to do so much more! I can go to the Rec Center with Sarah, or join an intramural sport, maybe even find a youth group. I will have so much freedom, I won't know what to do with myself!
On the one hand I do feel a little bad about all this. I was hired in late June and I've only been there for about three months. Originally, this was just supposed to be a summer job. I planned to work a lot and build up some cash for the rest of the year. However, my manager took his sweet time about hiring me so I decided to hang on a little longer. I found out, the hard way of course, that college and work don't mix well. When I got to the point that I was scheduling study time around work and not leaving enough time to eat or sleep, I realized something had to go. Work had never been (nor ever will be) my greatest priority. I hate working. It's a fact that I've gotten used to.
I don't know what I'm going to do for a career. I've always dreamed about being a stay at home mom. That would be great! I love to write, so maybe I could write something on the side. However, until then I have to get a job to pay for college and life....
Oh, and here's a picture of one of my kitties!

Posted by Alyssa :: 9:36 PM :: 4 comments

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I feel like I am to explode, but I am not going to post my rambling thoughts here. I shall spare my readers. I do want to say that I am tired and I blame it on firemen. They kicked me out of my warm bed on Friday night, or rather, Saturday morning. The alarm went off and I seriously considered staying in bed. But I figured it wasn't a drill at one in the morning so I fell out of bed and threw on my bath robe, forgetting, of course, my shoes. Down ten flights of stairs and out the lobby doors. Across the street and over to the grass, dodging fire trucks and police cars- no ambulances though. It was chilly outside, probably around fifty or sixty degrees. I don't know what happened. The firemen just left and we were all in the dark. So no sleep for me.....

Posted by Alyssa :: 11:57 AM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, September 15, 2005

I have a my first college test coming up on Monday. So I went to study group thing tonight. It helped some and I am feeling better about the test, but I know I still have a lot of studying to do. I got back my Mythology quiz and it had a 96 percent on it! Yay! That is the only class I really feel like I do well in. We took another quiz and I don't think I did as well on that one. Most of the other quizzes I've taken have been 80 percents or lower (much lower in Biology Lab).
I have to work at the Stadium again on Saturday. UGH. OH HOW I LOATHE IT! It makes me want to keel myself. Plus, when am I going to do laundry if I have to be at the Stadium at 10:30. The game doesn't even start until 2-ish. I'll prolly be there till eight or so.

Posted by Alyssa :: 6:57 PM :: 2 comments

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Wednesday, September 14, 2005

HEHE. I am green. I'm am itchy too. This stuff smells funny, ah well, the price of beauty, or cuteness for those who argue with me.

Posted by Alyssa :: 10:24 PM :: 4 comments

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Tuesday, September 13, 2005

Type your name with your fingers: Alyssa

Type your name with your elbows: qaY67SSWA

Type your name with your chin: aqlyhsxsa

Type your name with your feet: AZhyxsxszaZ (shoes on)

Type your name with your tongue: no thanks

Type your name with your ear: wzmiorta

Type your name with your eyes closed: ALyssa

stoled from jessica and the people she stole it from

Posted by Alyssa :: 6:05 PM :: 0 comments

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Today was another lab day. I thought I had seen my lab partner at the Plamor on Sunday. In lab, I asked her if she'd been there and she said she goes often. I don't think she recognized me, though she did ask what I was wearing. Back to lab...
Today we looked at fresh samples of blood. It wasn't too gross, I'm just glad we didn't have to use our own blood. Then we squashed a termite and looked at the parasites that were in it. That was gross because even though it was dead, its fluids still pulsed. I felt like gagging. And since it makes me cringe to talk about it, I'm changing the subject.....
So I found free digital scrapbooking online. Pretty neat stuff. Now I have something to do with my pictures.
I have to work at the stadium again on Saturday. Yes, I am still going to quit, but I think I will do it gracefully and give a two weeks notice. And i'm supposed to have an easy shift on Saturday. I don't know what that means, though.

Posted by Alyssa :: 4:59 PM :: 0 comments

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Monday, September 12, 2005

The Plamor is awesome. Last night it was way more smoky than usual. All my clothes smell like cigarette smoke. Jay came this time, as did Ben and Bobby. Of course, Jessica and I were there. There was some band I haven't heard of playing and the lead singer was kind of scary. She danced all over the stage and even came down on the floor. Aces High was there too, they're pretty good. Jessica and I have been swing partners for a little over half a year. We know how each other works and can usually anticipate what the other is going to do. Since the boys aren't quite on our level yet, it is usually more fun for us to partner up with each other. But for some reason she didn't want to dance with me. She told me that dancing with me, she leads, was messing her up when she danced with the guys. I completely understand that it would be confusing to learn both parts and keep them straight. I guess I felt a little upset though, cause I just stood around for the better part of an hour since she wouldn't dance with me. Aside from that, I had a good time.
I learned a lot of new stuff. I attempted a line dance, and learned some more two-stepping things, and picked up on a lot of swing stuff.
Again I was asked to dance by somebody I didn't know. I wouldn't mind so much except that they always want to do stuff I don't know how to do. I'm not particularily good at picking up on things quickly. It was a little embarrassing, but, hey, I tried.

Posted by Alyssa :: 1:37 PM :: 3 comments

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Football games at Memorial Stadium suck. I know I'll be flogged by the hordes of fans, but they aren't the ones shoveling out tons of sandwiches in an un-airconditioned room beside an oven. The story goes.....I was scheduled to work at the stadium on Saturday. It was the second home game of the season, so a relatively large crowd was expected. I had no idea what I was expected to do. See, I'm a dishwasher for Valentino's. I have skills in register from a previous job, but I've never prepared food. Unless you count helping my mom in my high school cafeteria.
When I get there I have to clean some warmer things up, no problem. Then I have to put nacho chips in separate serving containers, also no problem. Jamie and Misty were supposed to be helping me but they choose to stand around talking instead, so I did one hundred and fifty servings by myself. Even so, I was still in a good mood. Josh, my manager, then had me watch the meats that were cooking in the kitchen. All I had to do was check the temperatures and take them out when they reached a certain degree. It was hot, but something I could definitely handle. It was about time for the gates to open and let the hordes in, so Josh took me to a little hot sandwich shop and told me to keep things stocked and he showed me how to make the various sandwiches. I actually enjoyed this part. It was hot, being next to the warmer, but I was busy doing something I understood. Then, halftime hit and we were mobbed. Josh, of course, had left, and I was running the stand by myself. We ran out of sandwiches and I was busy making them as I handed them out. Even this didn't get my spirits low.
Finally, after halftime, Josh took me to the third floor. I was supposed to wash a couple of pans and lids and a few pieces of silverware. I got to walk through some of the viewing boxes. Those are cool, by the way. I was pretty excited that I got to use the dishwashing machine. Turns out that the machine is way slower than I am. Plus, I had to share the sink with some other dish guy. That did not work out well. So, I'm up there for about an hour, maybe two, and I'm almost finished. Josh shows up with another cart of dishes. He says that this is all there is. That irked me a bit, cause I was so close to being finished and now I had more to do. Again, I'm nearly done and he brings up another cart. He says he swears this is all there is. Then he giggles and leaves. By now I had been on my feet for seven hours, with no food, no breaks, nothing to drink, and no idea of when I'm going to go home. I have to bite my lip to keep from cussing out Josh, and to keep from crying. Then, to top matters off, the other dish guy tells me he's leaving and says I can just wash the rest of his dishes too. Basically, I "forgot" to do his dishes, but finished up my own. I hobble downstairs. The game is out by now and its nearly 1o:30. I can't find Josh anywhere, so I wait around for a while before he shows up smiling. He is completely unaware that he just put me through hell, and tells me what a great job I did. I feel like telling him to shove it. I also feel like telling Jamie and Misty to shove it as well. They had hardly done anything all day. I was soaking wet and pissed off.
All I have to say is that if Josh wants me to do that again, I'm quiting.

Posted by Alyssa :: 12:54 PM :: 3 comments

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Friday, September 09, 2005

This morning I walked out of my hall and came face to face with the blaring lights of a fire truck and ambulance. The paramedics headed off towards Abel North; I'm in Abel South. In the newspaper today, I saw that someone on campus died on Wednesday. That was a bit shocking. At my old school we would have had an assembly if someone had died. But here at the University I have to find out by reading the newspaper. He was on the football team. Apparently, he just stopped breathing in practice. The autopsy doesn't come back until next week.
There has been a lot of depressing and sad news in the papers and on the tv lately. It just seems like the whole world is coming apart. Is it possible that all these can just happen at once or is the world finally coming to an end. Thoughts like that make me feel like things classes and such aren't important.

Posted by Alyssa :: 8:21 PM :: 0 comments

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Thursday, September 08, 2005

Today my roommate Jordan and I had a little chat. She's staying home this weekend. That is good news, mostly. Although, I will have to be quiet when I get back.
Also, we talked about how boring our classes were. That's not remarkable, but she said that they were doing Evolutionary stuff in her pysch class, and that she didn't like it. That was a intriguing statement to me because I know that the evolution theory is just a theory. Some people don't get that. She didn't sound like she believed it either. So then, later, her friend Shannon dropped by and she has some homework over some Jewish Bible thing. She made some remark about why it didn't make sense as compared to our Bible. She and Jordan are good friends so I'm assuming (it's not a good thing to assume things, just ask Mr. Gilliland) that they have similar beliefs. Unless I am reading this wrong, they are at least educated in Christianity. That is so cool.

Posted by Alyssa :: 3:47 PM :: 1 comments

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Wednesday, September 07, 2005

I am feeling creative. I feel like I need to write something really moving, but I have no idea what to write. I guess I could just post

some pictures. Yes, I'll do that....
The picture on the bottom left is me in one of my not-so- photogenic moments. Then at top right there is me with a giant Dr. Pepper pillow...that was fun.
The top left is of my cheerleading team. I am

the one farthest left, holding the other girl. The boy flying is my cousin, Nick. That was at the cheer/dance competetion last fall. Thanks to all of my friends that came and supported us!
The next one is one of my senior pictures. Aren't I

cute?

Posted by Alyssa :: 10:01 PM :: 2 comments

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AHHH! All of a sudden I have a ton of crap to do. Last week, homework was basically nil, now I have three papers due all on the same day! Yikes! Plus, I'm behind in my reading. *Sigh* No fun for me tonight, I guess. Although, I am thinking about going to a Facebook thing for Abel. Might be interesting. At any rate, they'll have food. Maybe I'll meet somebody new. That would be awesomely good.

So, Jessica brought me some floss last night. It is the weirdest stuff I've ever seen. Instead of being smooth its all unravelly and it is very strongly flavored. I don't like it. Woven floss is bad.

Posted by Alyssa :: 5:51 PM :: 1 comments

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Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Well, it's that time of week again...Lab time!! Yay, all the fun you could dream of with cold stools with no backs, cold white rooms, yucky little cockroaches in cages and so much more!!!
Although it was long, I actually enjoyed some of it. We used microscopes to look at algae, yeast, and cheek cells. Then we observed a Planarian. He was so cute!!! We also dyed the nucleus of cells. I think I might consider going into microbiology. Or doing DNA stuff like proving DNA links between people for the

police/FBI stuff, yeah....
So........ pictures!

Posted by Alyssa :: 5:23 PM :: 3 comments

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Monday, September 05, 2005

Managers are weird sometimes. Tonight, because of Labor day, was slow in the pizza business. So the managers were sending people home. Usually, one has to sweep and mop ones section. However, he just told them to go. I, however, was assigned additional work. *sigh* So I guess I got more monies since I worked more.

"Spectacular, spectacular!...." I just saw Moulin Rouge recently. It is goodly. It was funny and, um, entertaining....

Posted by Alyssa :: 10:17 PM :: 2 comments

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Sunday, September 04, 2005

OUCH! My poor 'itle tummy hurts! Stupid labor day weekend. Because of said weekend, my dinig hall is closed. I had to walk half a mile to Sellek for breakfast this morning, and then walk back. That is very bad for tummies.

Love Life

Your Positive Traits:
you are open- minded enought to date outside your typical "type".....successfully!
you are diplomatic- and likely to end a fight instead of dragging things out
you are easily loyal and faithful, but only for the right person.

Your Negative Traits:
You are a bit gullible, and partners take advantage of you. You still may not know it.
You find it difficult to decide where to go to dinner, what movie to watch, who to date....
You have to be in a relationship, or else you just don't feel like yourself.

Your Ideal Partner:
A smooth talker who enjoys socializing as much as you do.
Someone classy and cultured who knows which wine to order with dinner.
Is beautiful to you-although not necessarily attractive in the traditional sense.

Your Dating Style:
Romantic: If your date comes bearing flowers, wine, and poetry...well, your heart soars.

Seduction Style:
Edited for....well, you know.

Tips for the Future:
Don't be so quick to compromise in relationships.
Try being single for a while. Seems impossible, but you'll learn so much about yourself from doing so.
Make some decisions about your romantic life right now. You'll be happy you did.

Best Color to Attract Mate:
Green

Best Day for a Date:
Wednesday

Ha ha we all know that this stuff can be garbage, some of it applies and some of it doesn't. I just thought it would be interesting to compare to the real me.

Posted by Alyssa :: 1:59 PM :: 2 comments

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So.....
Jessica and I were cruising "O" Street tonight. We were just listening to some really old oldies, and watching the mobs of people emptying out of Memorial Stadium. There were a lot of people wearing red.....freaks. I do not wear red, I wear black. ANYWAYS....
So as we were driving along we get stopped at a red light, of course. And this red convertible is headed the other direction. It's got a couple of guys who look like they might be of Spanish decent. The driver honks the horn and we both look. He looks straight at Jess and makes a really loud kissing noise. We both cracked up, naturally.

Posted by Alyssa :: 12:47 AM :: 1 comments

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Thursday, September 01, 2005

I had another strange dream last night.
My mom was still coaching cheerleading at Parkview (my high school). I was over there with here because I needed a ride to some obscure place. Although this dream takes place after my graduation, all the same people are still there: Katie, Paul, Jelayna, Nick, Muffin, and Ben. They were practicing stunting. I asked my mom if I could fly just once, to show Katie how to do it- she was flying wrong and kept falling. Katie protested loudly, but so did Ben.
Now, back to reality, Ben and the other two guy bases were trained by me and they preferred how I flew as compared to Katie. I knew it as a fact in my dream that they had all said it to me on various occasions. So, I was surprised when Ben complained. At once, I knew why: he was angry at me for our breakup. While it was him who broke up with me, I knew he was bitter about it. I stormed off to the bathroom. While I was there I made up my mind to remind him of what he had said about my flying technique and strode out of the bathroom. As I slammed through the gym doors everyone looked at me, and Katied fell again. I got up in Ben's face and told him exacltly what was going on. He looked slighlty abashed and ashamed and then I got to fly!!. It was awesome! I miss it, but on with the dream... THEN, the dream takes a new turn. We somehow end up outside. By the ocean and there are lots of rivers and trees too. He apologized and then things were better. And, of course, before anything else could happen, I woke up.
Once again comments are very welcome.

Posted by Alyssa :: 3:53 PM :: 2 comments

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Ahhhh... Today is Thursday. For me, that means that I only have one class. Yay!! I do have to go to work

this evening though. *sighs* Oh well, I need the monies.
All the people I know are sick. My favorite sister, my not-so-favorite sister, my cousin, Bobby, my roommate.... I am faithfully drinking orange juice and washing my hands often. I don't want to get sick. Thankfully, I don't feel like I'm getting sick, but...
I think I want to do something with music or dance for my major or at least a minor. There are so many options-a lot of which I have no interest in-and some others thatI want to explore.
be. I usually have time to do the things I want to. My schedule is very full, more full than its ever been. Weird thing is, I have a planner. A little black book I think I'm beginning to get in the swing of things. My classes are easier to find. Homework isn't as overwhelming as I thought it would that keeps me up to date.

I have never used one before, mainly because my life was pretty laid-back.

Posted by Alyssa :: 12:32 PM :: 2 comments

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