The Merciless Ravages of My Mind

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Pretty Sure No One Reads This, So...

I think some people think I am stupid. It's that or I don't communicate things very well....can't be that! In response to my last post, I got a phone call from a friend dealing with the God/commitment thing. She said that God isn't supposed to just be another commitment, but the foundation or platform that everything else builds on. I know this and I agree it's true. However, she can not deny that there are responsibilities that go with being a follower of Christ. Even taking out all the Bible reading, praying, and church-going there is the possibility that God could want me for missions or to be part of something incredibly time consuming. There is nothing wrong with that in general, but there are some laws that have to be followed, such as, if I undertook something that life-consuming I would have to sacrifice something else just to have time. I guess that's the real picture, isn't it? Life is all about sacrifices, and I know I am supposed to sacrifice myself for my God, and give up whatever it is holding me back from being completely real with Him. Honestly, it seems impossible. How can anyone just give up all their dreams and their life? WITH THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT!! some people claim. Unfortunately, there hasn't been all that much evidence of a holy spirit in my life. So many people have stories about miracles and the evidence of a great God in their lives, but all that is absent from my life. I've heard that God puts some people on this earth to be his people; to be messengers, soldiers, harvesters of souls, fishers of men. And that some people are merely hear to watch, to listen, to have faith. Maybe I'm here to be one of those people-the quiet observer. I fear being a soldier; for dying for what I believe in- so why do I feel so disappointed in merely being the audience? Heck, I'm not really the audience either. I'm more like the transients waiting outside the theater picking up the scraps of news from the real audience. It's like second-hand information.
Do I want to be God's hand? Do I want my way? Do I continue believing someday I will accomplish something great for Him? Or do I just give in to the current around me and do the best I can? Do I keep pretending that the only reason God isn't using me is because its a test of my faith? Is it faith or is it laziness? Forming the questions justs brings more to the surface. I need answers, but I feel like there is no one qualified to give me those answers here on earth. Not professors, or pastors, or friends who went to missionary school. They just aren't good enough. There's too much bias and human error in them. I need answers from God! The only other option, right? But what happens when you don't even know for sure if there is a god anymore? What then? Who do you turn to for answers? There is nothing but a void, an abyss that sucks everything into it and gives nothing back. I think that is the only reason my feeble "faith" is still there; without a god life would be too scary; too lonely; to horrible to imagine that after all of this awful life there is no heaven. No peace, no love, no fulfillment. It's perhaps a poor reason, but it is MY reason. I don't have faith to move mountains, or heal people or even bring anyone else into the "light," but if my faith is enough to keep me from utter despair, if it is only strong enough to keep me believing that there is possibly a god, I think it is worth it. What else can I do?

Posted by Alyssa :: 12:10 AM :: 0 comments

Sunday, April 22, 2007

I must be crazy, but I am looking forward to going home soon. Yes, I can still remember all the crap that happened last summer, and I recall desperately wanting to leave for school less than two months into summer. In spite of that I am ready for a break, and if home is the only way I can get it, I guess I want it.

All in all this semester hasn't been too bad. Once I get past all the disappointments and what should have happened, I see myself as a very different person than I was two years ago. I didn't like who I was then, but I'm not sure I like who I am now either. For now, God and I are more like acquaintances than close companions. At least back then I wanted to grow closer and be of use to Him. Now, with all the crap I put up with everyday, I think another commitment might kill me. I've lost a lot of things this semester in favor of school. God is one thing, friends are another. I used to count myself blessed in the friends department, but recently...yeah, I don't know. It seems like they are all moving on together, and without me. Yeah, cry me a river and all that, but it's not like I haven't at least tried to make new friends. That has proved to be more difficult than I could have ever imagined. Every one is glad to meet new people, but they don't want anyone to intrude on their established group. I understand that. I remember when Jay started dating Katt and I didn't want to open up to her and let her in. Strangely, it was Jay who introduced me to her, and it was also Jay who finally won her over for me. When I saw how upset she was about Jay, and wanting to break up with him...I guess I understood and that gave us a bond, at least from my point of view.

Um... got sidetracked...ah, things I lost this semester! Well, surprisingly, school has made me lose school. Yeah, confusing...with chemistry in my schedule, I've had to put off any interest I had in biology. My grades are dropping all over the board because of one gay 100-level course. I was really excited about this bios class, but its become more of a nuisance that takes up time I could be using to bash my head into my chemistry book. And Spanish...another class I used to enjoy. I have learned more in two semesters in college than I learned in three years at Parkview, but now I hate it. I hate it because it takes time. Time is something I used to take for granted; now I see it as a valuable commodity.

The only real hope I see in my future for some sort of change, or salvation, or revelation of myself is summer.
Then I will have time.

Posted by Alyssa :: 3:31 PM :: 0 comments

Monday, April 09, 2007

Look What I Found!

My blog! I have missed it. Mmmm, the feeling of having free space to write whatever I want. I want to write about school. I need to whine a little.

It is down to the final four weeks of my sophomore year of college and I am freaking out. I mean, I'm taking all these hard science classes and they are kicking my backside, especially Chemistry. It's a form of torture too. The class I actually hate the most is Statistics. Gah, I don't get it. I took it because it was supposed to be easy. Ha, whatever. I have a good grade but I don't understand what I am doing. There is a cumulative final and our third test is coming up really soon. And papers! Six papers in four weeks. I don't think it is possible. Maybe if they were fun papers, but they are research papers. Just shoot me. There is a lot of stress in my life right now.

But just think! Only four weeks until summer vacation! I will have time for me again! I want to swim and be outside all the time. Poo, I will prolly have to work a lot. But money is good too, cause then I can buy things.

So things I have learned from college:
teachers are evil
Dorm food is evil
Snow days are a very evil thing
Work is boring
Larvae aren't as gross as I thought
Advisors are nuts- in a fun sorta way
Friends are fickle and expendable
Family is there for you...except when they are traveling the world without you
BOSU stands for BOth Sides Up
Early class is a curse
Late class is annoying
and relying on other people for rides is a bad idea.

Posted by Alyssa :: 10:38 PM :: 0 comments