The Merciless Ravages of My Mind

Friday, October 31, 2008

After my last two depressing posts, I think it's time to write something on a lighter and brighter topic....but still related. Here is a list of some things that I like about my life right now.

1. Netflix. Yes, the top thing on my list is a movie delivery service. I just signed up two days ago and I received my first DVD yesterday. I got Wristcutters: A Love Story. It's about people who commit suicide. They go to this place that is only for suicides and it's pretty much like normal life, but off-colored and tiny miracles that don't mean anything happen there. The main character offs himself when his girlfriend dumps him. Later he finds out that she offed herself too and starts searching for her. During his search he meets another girl who claims that she didn't kill herself and that she is there by mistake. Eventually he falls for her just in time to see how much of a bitch his girlfriend really was. Anyway, I shall send it back tomorrow and wait eagerly for my next DVD, Shakespeare in Love.

2. Halloween. You may know that my favorite holiday is Halloween. I have been looking forward to this year's since November 1, 2007. I didn't get to be what I really wanted this year (Nicole Kidman from Moulin Rouge in her sparkly tux) but I went as a sexy witch/temptress to a party and as the Phantom to work. I don't think I've had any candy this year. I love dressing up :)

3. Blue October. This is a band for those of you who don't know. I have liked them since I first heard Into the Ocean playing on the radio. I didn't used to understand most of their songs, but I liked their unique style. Now that I have experienced a loss and struggle with suicidal thoughts everyday I understand them better.

"So say farewell to all the little things she would say and do
The morning, sleepy eyed girl waves goodbye to you
You're much to co-dependent
A shrink is recommended
Yeah...

But yeah, who are the people you hang around with?
Who are the ones you're gonna call?
When you feel like ending it all?"

Lately, a lot of people have suggested I talk to someone professionally about my issues. In the first line, I replace the girl with the boy and it reminds me of Jeff. (From The 21st)

"The loss of her, the one I love
My will to quickly end it all
Set front row in my need to fall"
(From Into the Ocean)

Also about suicide, this one talks of a break up I think, but ends up with a failed attempt at suicide. For me, losing Jeff is the reason I contemplated suicide... and they just get me.

Eh, three things is enough for now. Peace out.

Posted by Alyssa :: 11:36 PM :: 1 comments

Thursday, October 23, 2008

On Rain and Suicide

It is fall again in Nebraska. It's a time I usually enjoy, with the bright colors and cooler weather. It usually rains, of course, but it seems to be raining more this year. I always seem to cry when it rains...or maybe it rains when I cry. There is no doubt that I am depressed. I miss Jeff. Winter is always dispiriting for me, but I am dreading this coming year so much more because I will be alone.

It's just not fair. We did everything right. We were patient. For almost a whole year, I only got to see him on weekends. This summer, when I moved closer to him, I thought our life together was just beginning. There was so much to do, to see, to experience. And then one morning when the sun was shining and everything seemed so right and bursting with potential, he was gone. How can I not feel alone and like a waste of time? My whole life is gone. There just doesn't seem to be a point to being here anymore. I know my family and some friends care about me. I know that my departure from this life would break their hearts, but I still find myself wondering if it would be worth it. I spent a couple of hours tonight looking up articles on suicide and heaven. I didn't find an answer that I am happy with. It's just too sensitive a subject. Some people are absolutely positive that only hell awaits suicides, but then in the next article people believe that even suicide can't take eternal life away. I don't know what to think. I want to move on with my life, I really do. But I am tired of being lonely. I'm tired of having to live on a less than perfect Earth. I don't understand. I had finally found happiness. I could see my future with Jeff so clearly. Now I am in the darkest depths of despair. And I don't see the point of this suffering.
For now, I am at an impasse because I don't know what to do, but I am closer to whatever is coming than I have ever been before.

Posted by Alyssa :: 1:12 AM :: 1 comments

Wednesday, October 08, 2008

Like I Said...Merciless

I can't believe that the last time I posted something on here was when I started dating Jeff. It's ironic or something because now Jeff is gone. He died a few weeks ago. It's still hard to write or say it. We had the most amazing relationship. I have never loved anyone as much as I loved him; as much as I still love him. What we had was truly special. He changed me in every way. He taught me to be independent, while at the same time taking away my freedom. I was chained to him heart and soul. I never used to believe in soul mates, but after witnessing our story, well, there is no doubt to me. He showed me a capacity for love I never knew I had. He was my best friend too.
The other night I was thinking about Jeff like I usually do before falling asleep. I have been struggling with thoughts of giving up on life. One day I am sure that there is no point to my existence without Jeff because he was my everything. The next day I will feel impatient for the rest of my life to begin. But this night I was in the no point valley. I was thinking about what I would give to see Jeff again. I was wondering if I could take my own life. For some reason it always seems so bleak when I start thinking like that. I don't usually come away with the guts to do it, but I suddenly realized that, if I truly believe in heaven or some kind of afterlife, I would see Jeff immediately. I could literally see him again in a few minutes or seconds. Instead of making me leap up and grab a razor, it made me realize that Jeff is not far away. He is as close as my next heartbeat. That is an amazing relief and comfort to me. Someday I will open my eyes and Jeff will be there waiting to hug me. There is no reason to believe that it will be later rather than sooner, I just have to find the courage to believe that there is a plan for me.

Posted by Alyssa :: 11:17 PM :: 1 comments